What do I think of when I hear the words “growing pains”?
At age 17, it was the searing pain of having my wisdom teeth come through. As if puberty wasn’t enough.
Today, I think of the pain I felt from ages 25 to 28. It was a pain in my soul. Some will call this a “quarter life crisis”. Others will call it their “Saturn Return”. I call it, “taking ownership of my own life”
I was lost.
In a longterm relationship that I was desperately unhappy in. Secure. But unhappy.
I was discontent.
In a job that was sucking the soul out of me on a daily basis. Dramatic. But accurate.
I was a victim.
In my own mind. To my own detriment. God help you if you dared to point that out to me at the time.
I remember feeling that life owed me something good. But I didn’t want to put in any of the work for it. I want to be in a happy relationship. Why am I not in one? I want to be working in an industry that I am passionate about. Why aren’t I? I want to be free from the traumas of my past. How is that possible?
I was stuck in this loop for years. I had (and sometimes still do) a compulsive habit of comparing myself to those around me. It would send me spiralling. There were times I didn’t think I’d make it.
Something had to change.
November 2nd, 2019: The Relationship
I had never felt a fear like it. This was my first “serious” adult relationship. We lived together. We were parents to gold fish together. Had plans of buying our own home together. Making little versions of us together. It was “the real deal”.
And then I was on my own again. It was the right decision but it affected everything. It wasn’t just a break up. It was a life shake up. I was in mourning. Not for the person I’d left. It was time. I was mourning the life we had built together. And for the future I thought I wanted.
February 7th, 2020 - Ongoing: The Victim Mentality
This happened unintentionally at first. It was a year since I had lost my father to cancer and I was feeling very isolated and sorry for myself. I had this overwhelming urge to write down my feelings and share them with the world.
People wanted to know more. They wanted my opinion on things. It changed everything. I realised, I don’t have to see certain life circumstances as trauma anymore. I can acknowledge them for what they were and move forward with that experience. Experience that I can share. Experience that I can use to help. Experience that might make somebody else feel a little less alone. I leant into this new way of thinking. I’m leaning into it right now. It isn’t smooth sailing. I don’t always get it right. I have days where being a victim consumes me. I try and lean into those days too. Always with the gratitude that they are just days now. And not my life.
September 13th, 2021: The Job
A daily source of contempt. One of the main triggers for my compulsive comparing. Something that would not have changed for the better if I was not actively working on changing my victim narrative.
My experience lies within issues relating to race, mental health and grief. I share it online, and in person. It has turned into a passion. A passion to help others change their own narratives and in turn, their lives. It didn’t go unnoticed. I now work for an organisation called The Other Box, a company dedicated to educating and empowering people to live and work more inclusively. It really is a dream come true. I was about to call it luck. It’s not. I worked hard for this.
I’d like to finish off by acknowledging that this story is a win. My win. And I am well aware that it could be triggering to read if you aren’t in the best place yourself. Trust me. So I’d like to thank you for getting this far. And I’d also like to reiterate that it hasn’t been easy. It still isn’t.
I compare myself to others. I don’t think I’m good enough. I have days where I am absolutely consumed by poor mental health. I have days that make me want to sleep forever. I’m still on my journey. I have a long way to go. If nothing else, let this open your eyes to the possibility that it is possible to turn your pain into power. The pain doesn’t go away. But it serves a different purpose. It no longer has to sit heavy in your heart. Instead, it could light a fire under your ass and help take you to where you deserve to be.
