Reconciling My Relationship With Dating Apps

Reconciling My Relationship With Dating Apps

Charlotte Bachelor

As a college freshman dating apps seemed like new worlds with limitless possibilities. 

 A breakup two weeks into the semester, and my undiagnosed Bipolar would send me on a wild ride. I became consumed with dating apps. Many weekends I would swipe until I ran out of matches. I will be the first to admit that I was promiscuous; this came from a place of desperation using my body to keep men interested. It wasn’t from an earnest place of loving my body, but a last-ditch effort to drown out in the chaos in my head. 

After ending another relationship, I tried the dating apps out again; this time feeling more open about my disability. I ended up running into a lot of people who didn’t quite “get” it. And I was quick to ghost people who wasted my time. I then began to use the apps as a way to distract myself from the grief of my great-grandmother, and then again when my grandpa passed away two months later.

During the spring of 2020, I put myself on timeout from dating apps. 

During all this time I was in weekly therapy sessions working through my grief and the other piss poor relationships I had experienced. I knew that if I wanted better—I should start creating boundaries and learning to care for myself and recognise red flags. 

I decided for myself it was more important for me to establish an emotional rapport rather than a physical one. Equipped with these new standards and boundaries, I met my ex, in June of last year.

This relationship was everything I thought I wanted from a partner, having someone love me despite my faults and struggles. I let the rose-coloured glasses distracts me from the reality that he was not nearly as invested in the relationships I was. Looking back now, there were red flags, the biggest of which was him accidentally oversleeping for three hours the day we were meant to meet for the first time.

Fast-forward, and a few weeks later I was under an ungodly amount of stress which sent me into a depressive episode, and the ugly side of Bipolar I reared its unwelcome head again. I cried for days on end, I was anxious with my stomach in knots. My partner had never seen me this low before. I thought my loving boyfriend would understand the ebbs and flows that come with living with a mental illness. In my mind, he was the first partner who would truly got the whole being mentally ill thing.

I misinterpreted his bare minimum efforts of love and affection as unyielding love and compassion. And this naivety would come back to bite me in the ass.

So, in the wee hours of the morning the day before we were going to go on a nice weekend away he told me “he couldn’t see me as a romantic partner anymore.”

Being an online romance, we only met once in person on Valentine’s Day weekend. But after seeing the full extent of my mental illness, he decided I wasn’t the one for him. And honestly, it hurt like hell. 

After that I kept spiralling, and once again went back to the dating apps. As someone who doesn’t drink or smoke, and is too young to go out to bars in the US, I feel like apps are my only chance of finding a match.

I had once again fallen victim to my unhealthy coping mechanisms, so I reached out to my friends for support. We would sit on Discord for hours lamenting what had happened to me, and I was encouraged to find that I wasn’t the only one who had been played before. I found particular comfort in the Black Girl Anime Discord server in the “gal’s-chat” venting my frustrations dating as a young 20 something. And what I learned from that is, universally men aren’t shit, and those shitty men aren’t a reflection of me as my person. 

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend who’s been in a relationship for the last two years. As I was venting she said to me, “You aren’t the problem, you bring so much to the table that there’s not anyone worthy of your time right now.” That made things click for me, I spent so much time tearing myself down telling myself I wasn’t worthy or whole enough due to things out of my control like my disabilities. I failed to realize the abundance I bring to those in my life. The fact that I wasn’t “good” enough for a few losers, doesn’t mean anything negative about me. 

Without these friends, those online and IRL, I don’t think I would’ve gotten over the breakup as quickly as I did. I’m grateful for the communities I’m part of that are there for me when I share my triumphs and my sorrows. 

I learned that boys and romantic relationships are temporary, especially at my age, but good friends are forever, whether they’re just a few minutes down the road or a FaceTime call away. These dating apps tend to bring more heartbreak than pleasure and are founded on two-dimensionality. While they may work for some people, I was using them to escape my reality, but I am thankful for how close they brought me to my friends. I’ve learned to put my faith in the people that have been there for me time and time again.